I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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