I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
