I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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