Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
