tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
sex in a hospital.. check
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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