i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
