I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
