So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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