So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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