I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
