He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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