This girl is more easily done than said...
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
