you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
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Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
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I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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