It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
