he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Mom said you looked used
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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