Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
