He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
