She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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