I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
