I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
