in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
