No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
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Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
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