I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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