You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
