I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
