it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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