The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
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The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
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before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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