I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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