Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
