I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
