tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
