I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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