So drunk its hurt
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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