awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
