This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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