I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
