So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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