I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
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Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
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I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
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