Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
