we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
