i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
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