I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
