but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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