how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
