My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
