I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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