I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize