i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
