Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
