the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
