No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
