If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Is it because I queefed?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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