Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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