I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
