is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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