You smell like stripper and shame
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
