im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?