I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale